I can’t believe I’m writing a post like this, but I’m a do no harm, take no shit kind of gal.

So, your ex moves on before you… what do you do?!?

I’ve only had one serious boyfriend experience to reference for this post, but a recent dating experience inspired me to tap into that break up and share a couple tips that helped me deal with my ex moving on before me.

Cliff notes on the recent dating experience:

• A month ago I stopped dating a guy I met over the Summer.
• We were dating exclusively, but he wasn’t over his ex, so I said BAI BAI ????????.

Lessons learned:

• NEVER date someone that is hung up on their ex.
• NEVER waste your time on someone that isn’t giving a 100% of themselves to0.
• NEVER lead anyone on and don’t use ANYONE as a rebound. If you’re not interested in someone 100%, leave them alone.

I’m sure your wondering, well if that dude and I weren’t even boyfriend/girlfriend why am I sharing a couple tips on how to deal when your ex has moved on before you?

Well, last week his ex decided to visit my instagram account and #cyberbully me. I screen grabbed the comments, before I blocked her, but I don’t want to share her bad energy, so I’ll just share one comment (of the many) she posted: #slut.

I was completely SHOCKED, MORTIFIED and STUNNED, but so inspired to remind you babes that harassing and being mean to your ex’s new girlfriend will NEVER help you deal with a break up. And, I wasn’t even this dude’s girlfriend, but being mean or harassing a.k.a. #cyberbulling is not cool anymore. It never was. Being a mean girl  is so passé. We need to remember “Real Queens Fix Each Others Crowns” and stop bringing each other down.  We’re headed into 2018 and women need to support each other, encourage each other, and we should be inspiring one another.  

ps. #cyberbulling makes me so sad ????, because people have committed suicide over it. If I didn’t have amazing family and friends and followers that remind me of my truth and support me unconditionally, chicks like her actually have the power to ruin people’s lives. I have NEVER TAKEN bullying or hateful comments towards others lightly and we need to remember another’s hateful words should NEVER determine who you are. BULLYING HAS GOT TO STOP. (now back to my post.)

We’ve all experienced what it’s like when your ex moves on before you, but if you have yet to experience that,  then let me share mine.

I was in College, the Summer 0f 2011 to be exact. My first love and I broke up right when our junior year ended.

Fall of our Senior year he had a new chick.

To say the least, I was crushed, because our college was small and I’d run into them all the time. When I saw them together, I couldn’t help but wonder how did he move on so fast? I let my mind wander and question: Was he even in love me? I even wondered why I wasn’t good enough and why didn’t he want to be with me anymore? Such self destructive thoughts.

What made my little broken heart more sad was the fact that his new chick was in my Art History Class that Fall semester. ????

I hated having to run into them on campus and hated seeing her wear his hoodies to class. I was so annoyed, because I had worn them too. But, rather than bullying her, I ignored the two of them.

It wasn’t an easy thing to do, but I had to FORCE myself to stay present and not reminisce about the past my ex and I had. When I’d run into them I’d  fake I was cool, calm, and collected, but I was crushed inside. It to took me a while to learn how to do that without question and I had to remind myself ALL THE TIME our relationship ended for a reason – something was wrong and being together did work anymore.

• ps. I learned it takes time by yourself to filter the bad times and the good times with your ex, so you can remember why things ended. 

I channeled that sadness and healing my heart through doing my best in school. Graduate School at USC was my next plan of attack, so I focused on that. I wasn’t a big partier in college, plus stubborn and a bit of an over achiever, so it was easy getting lost in homework – there was a shit ton in college. Plus, I had an amazing internship with Vogue (Yes, the VOGUE MAGAZINE ????) and College Fashionista that I could escape to during the week.

As I write this post, I can’t help but laugh at how the new flame wearing my ex’s sweatshirts to class bothered me. It’s a piece of clothing that wasn’t even that cute. But, what can ya do? I was young and he was my first love, so I accept I was super sensitive about a chick wearing my ex boyfriend’s sweatshirt. Ya, live and ya learn. ????????‍♀️

I know how hard it is to not compare yourself to the new person your ex is dating and wonder what you did wrong and why it had to end, But, honestly… there is sooo much more to a relationship than love, memories, and your significant other being your property.

Relationships either last forever or end, but whichever one it is, relationships teach us something (good or bad) that will help us  grow and evolve into the person we’re destined to become. Relationships expose us to new ideas and parts of our personality or heart we didn’t know we were hiding. They can help us break bad habits or maybe influencer new habits  (good or bad), but they’re intended to help us grow and evolve.

No one told me that when I was in my early 20s. We’re always bashing exes, although those that cheat and are abusive totally deserve it, but just because your ex moves on doesn’t mean he didn’t love you. Relationships are part of our growth and evolution, but you have to be strong + move on, when it ends.

 ALWAYS REMEMBER:

• Relationships end, because something is wrong.

• Relationships serve a purpose and you have to try your best to forge through the obsessive thoughts and reminiscing.

• You need to be STRONG + MOVE ON.

• NEVER force a relationship or chase after a  anyone.

• You should NEVER have to fight for a spot.

• NEVER harass or get involved with your ex’s new flame.

• Your ex is entitled to move on and you need to too.

• NEVER compare your healing process to your ex. We ALL heal differently.

Being annoyed, sad, and pissed, because your ex has moved on before you, is sadly normal. But, you have to take a hold of those emotions. You need embrace the pain, take your time to heal and remember it ended for a reason.

I finally figured out that process at 27.

But, at the we age of 21, I focused on how much it hurt that it ended and questioned my own self worth and wondered what was wrong with me, versus understanding that relationships serve a purpose and time will heal and show you that person came into your life to teach you something – possibly break a bad habit of dating the wrong people.

Boyfriends/girlfriends, dating experiences, even friendships are intended to guide us and teach us something.

It took a while for me to get to a place of gratitude with my experience with my first love. I’m thankful he didn’t cheat on me, he wasn’t abusive and didn’t pressure me to do things I didn’t want, so there’s was no drastic healing I had to go through.

It ended, because we hit our expiration point, but we were young and as time passed, I learned we’re totally different people.

I was devastated when he moved on before me, but time healed me and we’re actually really repsectful to each other. I don’t regret my time with my first boyfriend, because it showed me how two different people could love each other and how to step out of my comfort zone. I had my first ‘adult’ trips with him (without my family)- we traveled to Mexico, New York, and Tennessee together and those experiences pushed me out of my comfort zone and helped me grow. I’m super thankful for that.

So, what do you do when your relationship ends and your significant other moves on??

• ????????‍????Don’t Cyber Stalk  ????????‍???? – “To heal a wound you need to stop touching it.”  
  • Your break up is a wound. You need unfollow and block your ex till you’ve healed. I had to delete my ex off ALL social media. It hurt to see him doing things without me and it was too hard for me to see who his new BAE was.
  • Stalking will only cause you to compare yourself to the new BAE and that is so self-destructive.
    • And, remember: “Two things prevent us from happiness; living in the past and observing others.”
  • You’re relationship with your ex had an expiration and a purpose, so now is the time to be completely be selfish with your time rather than wasting it lurking.
    • 6 years later I’m able to follow and like my ex’s instagram posts and watch his Instastories.  That is proof time heals all wounds, but yeah it took a LONG time to get to where I’m at.

• ???? Don’t Harass the new Chick ???? – “When people  are mean or rude to you… they’re revealing themselves.”
  • Don’t ever waste your energy on being hurtful or hateful towards ANYONE.
    • Festering in negative thoughts and being hurtful to others prevents you from finding your true happiness and developing into your best self.
  • You don’t need to know his/her name or what they were doing last night. You’re touching and throwing salt in the wounds of your broken heart.
    • I had to face my ex and his flame all the time at school and parties and it sucked, but ya gotta leave them alone.
    • He’s entitled to move one and so are you. THIS IS YOUR LIFE, don’t worry about your ex.

• ???? Force yourself out of your comfort zone and find what makes you HAPPY ???? – ” The secret of change is to focus all your energy , not on fighting the old, but building the new.” – Socrates
  •  You need to focus your energy on ALL that will help you grow and what brings a smile to your face. That means:
    • Get out of your comfort zone, because great things never come from your comfort zone. 
      • Maybe travel? Go on a trip with your girlfriends?
        • When my ex and I broke up I visited my Aunt and Cousins who live there in Europe for a month. I created the best memories. I danced my ass off and had drunken nights laughing with my cousins.  I had a summer romance (so Mary Kate and Ashley style) that helped me realize there are going to be other dudes in my life that I’ll be compatible with. And, I spontaneously met a women who helped me get my internship with Vogue in college.
    • Go chase your DREAMS and Goals.
      • Relationships cause you to sacrifice a lot, especially passions and goals. But, a relationship should actually be secondary and a bonus in your life – not your world, so you need to do YOU.  Any sadness you feel about a break up should be channeled into chasing your dreams and goals. I focused on getting into Grad School at USC and I accomplished that. And, recently, when my Dad was going through cancer treatment. I channeled my sadness through my blog and youtube channel and created this leather jacket DIY and it makes me SO SO happy when I wear it.
    • Learn something new!
      • Read a book or Listen to a podcast. Bring some fresh thoughts into your brain, so you stop stagnating it with thoughts about your ex. Ya gotta move on girl!!
        • Two of my favorite books are: You Are a Badass and The Power of Now.
        • Two of my FAVORITE podcasts are: Girlboss Radio + Oprah’s podcast (this Elizabeth Gilbert podcast is AMAZING).

I REALLY hope these tips help you. You REALLY have to force through the pain, be strong + move on. There are so many ways to deal with when your ex moves on and these helped me. But, moral of the story, don’t harass people!!

xx