This past Saturday, I was on a quest to rest and relax in order to heal an upper respiratory infection. I caught up on laundry, started to jot down my 2018 goals, organized my room, binge watched Bravo’s Don’t be tardy for the Party and Youtube videos. I’m a weird abnomalie that doesn’t know how to rest or relax, so I’d say it was far from relaxing, but it inspired this 👩🏽💻 dating post. ps. If you have any tips on how to rest and relax, please let me know!!
During my Youtube binge, I was led to Dua Lipa’s New Rules music video – thanks to my girl Amy Serrano, who showed us how to recreate Dua’s makeup look from that video. After her super easy glowy cat eye tutorial, Amy shared Dua’s music video was aesthetic goals 🙌🏼, so obviously I had to check it out.
After watching the music video, I was a bit annoyed, not because I wanted to be in Miami with my girl friends too, but this song would have been the perfect song to listen to last week before I ran into that guy I was dating!!
Did you read my Be Strong + Move On blog post? About the guy I recently dated, who’s ex cyber bullied me? Well, the dude apologized for his ex cyber bullying me as well as how he handled the situation. I didn’t share he was super insincere about it all. But, he then followed up with, “Can we be friends?”
For a hot second I thought… “Maybe, we can be friends.” But, I was at a Christmas Party and 2 cidre beers in, when he posed the question.
I’m a BIG believer that you CAN’T be friends with an ex, even if ya’ll just dated for a couple months. It’s super messy and confusing, if you’re still attracted to them, and it doesn’t allow you to heal and ultimately find people that are better for you.
Puffer Jacket by Topshop, Viva La Bonita Sweatshirt, Redone Jeans(get 20% off your first pair)+ Reebok Classics.
Being friends with someone that hurt you, especially someone you were in a relationship with, does not allow you to 💯 commit to being your best self. Doing you is all about figuring out what you like and don’t like. When your friends after a break up, there can be some annoying feelz that linger, ultimately confuse you and get in the way of you do you. And, in 2018 I’m trying to live my BEST self – No EMOTIONAL DRAMA attached. 🙅🏽
There are various circumstances, that could prove what I believe wrong. I definitely think you can be civil and kind to an ex, I am with my first love, but it took me years of healing. Or maybe you have kids together? Ya’ll have to work an arrangement out. In this situation, it’s too hard for me to be friends with someone that hurt me and didn’t treat me like a friend in the first place.
Lets be honest, friends don’t hurt friends. You really need to have that IDGAF (I Don’t Give a Fuck) attitude even after a cidre beer, when you end it with someone. It’s so so hard, but you have to be tough and keep charging forward – Dua Lipa’s song IDGAF is another good song to listen to too.
I feel like every female, simply every human, post break-up, has contemplated this question. But, remember, ya’ll broke up and ended it for a reason that couldn’t be resolved.
So, if you’re struggling with the thought of being friends with an ex (boyfriend/girlfriend or person you dated), then listen to Dua Lipa’s song New Rules. It reminded me of what I’ve ALWAYS believed in and what I’d tell my best girl friends (you included): You can’t be friends with an EX or someone you dated (even if it lasted a short couple months)!!
I broke down the 3 rules in Due Lipa’s song, so we can stop wasting our time contemplating the age old question: To be friends or not to be friends? Because, lets me honest, we really shouldn’t be wasting our energy on that question, when all that energy should be channeled on being your best self.
Dua Lipa’s break up Rules:
1. Don’t pick up the phone 📵
“You know he’s only calling, because he’s drunk and alone.”
If he’s calling you at an ungodly hour of 11:59 pm, then chances are, he’s drunk. Or maybe you run into each other after ya’ll been drinking with friends? Both scenarios are not appropriate times to chat about a situation that made you cry or hurt your ❤️. If the relationship is done, there is no reason to be answering the phone at that time, let alone talking to each other that late. Talking to each other at that time makes things soooo confusing. No one is thinking rationally and deep down your still tender.
Chatting days or weeks after a break up is super awkward too. You’re hurt and maybe wondering if he wants you back, because you miss him too. Your emotions are heightened, you have questions and want answers. But, chatting at that time or when he’s drunk, means he is lonely. I’m sure he misses you, people don’t just not miss each other after a relationship ends, you need to be logical and remember why two you broke up. People get lonely, so don’t get swayed by that. You really need to embrace that IDGAF attitude. If you couldn’t hash out the drama, when things were on the fritz you shouldn’t pick up the phone and hash it out at 11:59 pm. It’s just not the right time.
In my Be Strong + Move on post, I shared that it took years to be civil and friendly with my ex and to stop wondering if we’d every be something again, but it starts with not picking up the phone. I suggest change their name in your cell phone to Don’t Pick Up the Phone, in case you forget that you shouldn’t be answering a call from your ex.
Drunk calling an ex needs to stop. How about drunk calling your friends and letting them know how proud of them you are??
2. Don’t let him in 🙅🏽
“You have to kick him out again”
You need time away from your ex. The amount of time you need to heal varies. Break ups suck, but deal with your emotions. The best rule of thumb, is to see how you feel when see a picture of you two. If it makes you well up, then you need more time babe. Also, ask yourself… Does life feel nice without them? Are you happier without the worries or drama? If so, then keep moving forward. Letting this person in your life, when you haven’t dealt with your emotions or healed from the break up will only led to kicking them out again.
And, why going through the break up emotions 3+ times?? Don’t let that person back in. Time away will help you figure out how to be your best self and if that person is someone you want in your life.
Take time to grow and evolve. Find things that take your mind off of obsessing about the relationship. For me, that is usually embracing our DIY project. I did a really rad painted DIY leather jacket, when my Dad was going through cancer treatment (same pain as a breakup) and recently shared how to distress denim. What makes you happy? Fun projects or activities that make you happy will be so helpful.
3. Don’t be his friend 👫
“You know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the morning. And if you’re under him you ain’t getting over him.”
If you’re still attracted to your ex, chances are you’ll be making out with them, possibly waking up in his bed the next morning. It’s science. Human Biology and Evolutionary Science to be exact. Your attraction, attachment, and lust for someone, even the development of a relationship, are based on hormones flowing through your body. You have no control over it. And, if you seem this person and haven’t dealt with all the emotions of a breakup and why you broke up, you might wake up in his bed the next morning. And, as Dua Lipa said, “If you’re under him, you aint getting over him.” It’s the truth.
Hormones cause that butterfly feeling in our stomach, when we’re excited to see our new boo. And, it’s that blissful feeling you get from kissing. So, when you break up, those hormones don’t just stop. Your relationship ended for more reasons than the feelings hormones produce. If you like making out with this person, but they weren’t emotionally supporting you through tough shit or simply kind to you (aka being a friend), yet wants to be your friend? There’s a problem. They weren’t your friend in the first please, how are ya’ll supposed to be friends without making out?!
It’s hard to cut off your attraction to someone, you can’t just tell your hormones to stop, but keeping your ex out of site and out of your mind, really helps you heal. It hard, because this was a person you really cared for, but you have to kick them out of your life to heal. If you need that reminder in form of song Incubus’s song Adolescents reminds you about out of site and out of mind. It is helpful. Shout out to my best friend for sharing that one.
I hope they rules inspire you to be strong and keeping moving forward after a break up. These rules sound, so tough and cut throat, but you have to be strong after break up, especially since our emotions make breaks ups so confusing. Dua Lipa also said practice makes perfect, so don’t be hard on yourself. You might be an emotional mess right now and possibly think you’re strong enough to friends. It’s hard to erase someone out of your life, but be kind to yourself, be tough about what you want, and forge forward. Time will uncover the truth and what is meant to be for you. You got this boo.